I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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