When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
