life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
