I accidentally had phone sex last night
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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