Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
