It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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