She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
