Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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