my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
