i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
