Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
