life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
