i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We named our party play list daddy issues
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
