You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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