Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Text me some of your sweat
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
