And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.