The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.