Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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