Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
