The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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