I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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