Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
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Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.