your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dicks are not precious.