Rock
Scissors
Fuck
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
