4 words: hood of his car
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
