They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
