Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dignity is for republicans.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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