it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
