last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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