The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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