Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She's just so happy...and so naked.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
