I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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