Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
