I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
