A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
