people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
