I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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