drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
