I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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