shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
