I met the friendliest cop last night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Someone signed my nipple.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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