never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
