i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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