Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
