dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
