there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
