I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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