Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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