I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
