Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
