I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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