I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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