if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
