Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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