cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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