Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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