i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
