woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
