i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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