I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
