I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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