On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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